The Lights Are on but nobody's home

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My last concussion was June 21st, 2016. It was my fifth in less than two years.

I am not the same, and I'm just now beginning to accept that. Some days, (most days) I forget where I parked my car, or I plan out my activities so as not to overtire myself. I watch out for how much time I spend on the computer and I adapt. I am just now beginning to feel as if I am coming back to myself, like half of me was left behind for several months to hold down the fort and now the second half of my brain has returned to pull its own weight again.

Unless you've lived with a concussion or a brain injury, I think there's a certain level of understanding that you can never reach about this type of injury. You don't know what it's like to go to Walmart and suddenly become terribly overwhelmed by the lights and sounds at the checkout and start crying because it's your body's only defense.

You don't know what it's like to lay in darkness for hours at a time feeling terribly lonely but lacking the energy to be around people or to do anything at all.

You don't know what it's like to look at yourself in the mirror, all cleaned up nice with makeup on and knowing you have no idea where to look for your car so you can leave.

You have no idea to know what it's like to look at yourself in disgust and think "The lights are on, but nobody's home."

It's incredibly discouraging to have an injury affect your ability to work long hours so you can be independent and take care of yourself. it's frustrating to have professors express their concerns about your ability to stay in your program, and knowing their concerns are well-founded but being too stubborn to admit it.

if you're interested in the facts about TBI's, the CDC has some good information here.

But if you're like a lot of people, its the stories and feelings created by TBI's that will resonate with you the most.

Everyday I fight my own brain to function. It gets easier, but everything is exhausting. Today is so much better than six months ago and I have hopes that six months from now will be even better. There are encouraging milestones, each one I celebrate inwardly as if it's the first time to ever occur for anyone.

-The first time I drove over an hour by myself without needing to stop to rest
-The first time I retrieved my own lost thought without prompting (I almost jumped up and down)
-My first "A" on a test when focusing while studying is incredibly difficult.

For now, I'll keep celebrating small victories, but I'll also start being more vocal about what I've experienced in hopes of counteracting some of the misunderstandings and doubts people have about the validity of these injuries. I'll do my best to help with understanding, but unless you experience this kind of injury you'll never truly understand, and I hope you never do.

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