Random thoughts



I've talked on here before about my concussions last year, but I think I've rather underplayed their effects on me. Perhaps I didn't want to seem like I was overreacting, didn't want to blow it out of proportion.

But here's what I've been learning. Sometimes things outside of your control impact you and continue to impact you for months or even years afterward. But this isn't always a bad thing. In some ways, my head trauma(s) have stolen a lot from me. Reading comprehension, memory, for a while, my ability to comprehend anything. In return, they gave me a lot of things I didn't ask for at the time. Nausea. Depression. Migraines. A general feeling of being lost. A feeling that the world was moving on while I was standing still, moving backwards even, falling further and further behind in my academic career while others surged on ahead. Feeling that I wasn't working hard enough to beat this. Feeling that if someone else I knew had a much worse concussion and didn't have to take an extra semester then I was weaker for needing to. I was less.

But those experiences gave me more positive things too, things that I only appreciate now, in the weeks and months after my second concussion. I'm still not back to normal. I still don't feel like myself. But in some ways, this is a positive thing. My perspective has changed, I'm more patient with people who have suffered permanent brain damage, or people with learning disabilities. I have a very particular skill set, knowledge on how to care for concussions, things that people may or may not know as a matter of course. There is some reason I have been through these things. I know there is. I believe that, because I must. The minute I call my experiences worthless, I call my God weak, and I say that His sovereignty doesn't reach to my everyday life. but it does.

So I am grateful. I'm grateful for the trauma, and the migraines, and the forgetfulness, and the lost memories. Because someday, somewhere, somehow, I will be able to help someone.
And if not, then I will serve my God better because of the lessons I've learned.

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